Welcome to Ask Satan!
Occasionally His Lordship finds time to help the sadder, more pathetic and uneducated populace through this helpful advice column. If you're experiencing personal problems of your own, email archfiend.lucifer@gmail.com and we'll see what we can do.
Father of lies: I think you missed it on the last vid. It seems to me that suffering and pain are a part of life. to deny suffering is to deny your awareness of it, your understanding, your honesty, and eventually you end up in Nihilism. Christian Nihilism. But maybe that is what you were after.
I talk with people all the time that are suffering from missing the mark (sin). What would you recommend that I advise them?
Just Jay
JJ,
You bring up a few good points here, but we're definitely not after Christian Nihilism, and by no stretch of the imagination am I suggesting anyone deny the existence of suffering when it isn't appropriate. People suffer all the time. Even I do, occasionally—answering some of your emails, for example. In the latest interview we had, I was merely encouraging encouragers to encourage, that's all. Which, incidentally, and because I like the ring of that, I have a new motto.
“St. Satan: Encouraging Encouragers to Encourage.”
What should you advise people who suffer from whatever? Well, let me encourage you to spend most of your time planning to pray for them this weekend, when things are quiet and you're not busy (so you can focus). Then make sure you aren't suffering from anything yourself, since the tiniest thorn in your weak, flesh-addled soul could be crippling, and may disqualify your opinion and forfeit the respect of others.
No pressure, though. Keep up the good work. My advice: don't feel too guilty when you fail and embarrass yourself, because none of us had any substantial expectations in the first place.
S
From: Steve
Subject:
Subject:
Satan,
I lead a hollow, adventureless existence marked by a loveless marriage, an unsatisfactory, dead-end job and bouts of severe alcoholism. What should I do?
Thanks,
~Stephen
Steve,
As a man who loves his job and never married, trust me when I say I know exactly how you feel—and drinking is, in fact, the best way to handle these things. Alcohol is nature's prescription to literally everything that ails you (save cirrhosis).
But there's still room for flavor between blackouts. I would suggest not having children—I'm sure your wife would understand, what with how obnoxious they are—and spending the saved education money on a cruise or in Vegas. Bring the wife if she still remembers how to have a good time. Hey, maybe remind her if she doesn't, am I right?
You sound like a nice guy, Steve. Things'll be fine.
S
About Me
I am quite the cupcake. Truly. I want everyone to be happy and etc. etc.
I am hiring. I'm a headhunting cupcake. I am looking for the best and brightest, or the willing, or the willing to be convinced to become willing. I have Swiss bank accounts and terribly simple easy jobs that need doing. Those too-good-to-be-true craigslist jobs? Lies. I can make your dreams come true for unbelievably menial tasks.
And what's more, the work is important! Together we can change lives! Feel about yourself for once. I mean good--feel good about yourself for once. Oh, I just saw my heading. Was this is supposed to be about Me? Fitting, because my life revolves around YOU. You are the most important man/woman in my world. My world. Yes. Er, I mean, you. YOU are super. If you work for me. I mean I want you to work with me because you are so super. Super Duper.
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