From: Steve
Subject:

Satan,

I lead a hollow, adventureless existence marked by a loveless marriage, an unsatisfactory, dead-end job and bouts of severe alcoholism. What should I do?

Thanks,

~Stephen

          Steve,

     As a man who loves his job and never married, trust me when I say I know exactly how you feel—and drinking is, in fact, the best way to handle these things. Alcohol is nature's prescription to literally everything that ails you (save cirrhosis).

     But there's still room for flavor between blackouts. I would suggest not having children—I'm sure your wife would understand, what with how obnoxious they are—and spending the saved education money on a cruise or in Vegas. Bring the wife if she still remembers how to have a good time. Hey, maybe remind her if she doesn't, am I right?

     You sound like a nice guy, Steve. Things'll be fine.

          S